Congratulations, [your name here], you have been selected to read the ever spectacular sarcastic Coffey Christmas Letter! This year was unlike any other, because it would be creepy and unsettling if we had to keep repeating the same year over and over.

Paul managed to avoid having any heart attacks this year, and only ended up in the hospital for stents. With the newfound free time he had from not having a medical crisis, he invented a time machine. He patented the concept of time travel, but chose not to use the machine himself. He just wanted to prevent other people from attempting it and destroying the timeline. But now he insists on being called The Doctor. He also managed to earn a nice raise over the summer.

We didn’t see Mollie for several months this year because she moved to Australia to become Chris Hemsworth’s live-in housekeeper and personal masseuse. She eventually returned home because it simply wasn’t worth all the work it took to keep his house clean. Unfortunately, when she got home, she found her house in even worse shape. Now that she’s back, she has become involved in an international pilot project at work, with the possibility of overseas travel.

This year brought many ups and downs for Hartley. This was mostly due to the fact that they spent several months working as a school bus monitor, riding through the infamously bumpy streets of Spokane. The biggest event in Hartley’s life this year just happened this month when they got engaged to their best friend Sam. The two are now in their private jet on their way to New York City where they will be starring in a two-person Broadway production of Hamilton. This is the first of many two-person shows the couple will be directing, choreographing, producing, costuming, lighting, and starring in. But not Cats. Not ever.

Jeremy is currently considering going to culinary school. This idea was due in part to Guy Fieri stopping by his house for an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives and being completely blown away by Jeremy’s recipe for homemade toast. Fieri was especially impressed by Jeremy’s unexpected addition of butter. When he’s not cooking, Jeremy also has a super successful side hustle masquerading as a ten-year-old French child. We expect big things of him once he actually learns any French.

Happiest of holiday seasons to all of you! We hope your lives are full of fun, family, frivolity, french fries, fish, femurs, forks, fruit, flamingoes, fondue, … 

I think I lost control here. 

Merry whatever you celebrate!  Love, the Coffeys

2022

Dear Friends, Family, and People That Don’t Fit In Either Category,

It’s here! It’s here! The super spectacular, always entertaining, never serious 

Coffey Family Christmas letter! In order youngest to oldest:
 
Jeremy spent the year learning to cook and is contemplating taking some culinary classes. He challenged both Guy Fieri and Bobby Flay to cooking competitions, but they both 

wiped the floor with him.  He then challenged them to a pizza eating contest. 
They went home with heartburn, but no victory. Jeremy is planning to spend the 
next year nonexistent, except for possibly running through forests as a Bigfoot sighting, 
and petting the forest doggies there, with a sidehustle as a meme translator.
If you’re hiring, Jeremy needs a job.
 
Hartley graduated from Evergreen State College (necessitating four, yes four, trips to and from Olympia for the family), moved back to Spokane, and now lives in a secret tunnel that they made through a mountain. They will not disclose the mountain, as it is secret.
Hartley has issued a PSA for all of you: snow cold. They also started a pagan cult, but we think the name needs a little work (Exemplars of Uluburity), as it is difficult to say when drunk, and the cult gatherings involve a lot of wine. So far, Jeremy and their friend Sam are the only other members, but they are taking applications for admission.
If you’re hiring, Hartley needs a job.
 
Paul had a very unusual year. As of this writing, he has had zero trips to the 

emergency room in 2022. We are not sure if that is a miracle, or if he had enough parts replaced so that he is now more cyborg than human. Paul and Mollie celebrated their 

30^th anniversary this year by visiting The Singing Towers of Darillium. Since one 

night on Darillium is equal to 24 Earth years, they are now eligible for Social Security. 

Paul insists he be called by his new name, Doctor Mysterio, but Mollie

 does not agree to be called the nickname he gave her, Nardole.

If you’re hiring, too bad, Paul has a good job.
 
Mollie spent the first half of 2022 researching genealogy and planning a Wolfe family reunion (which was a great success until the actual wolves showed up…oh, the carnage…), and the second half researching how to hide bodies (for a book – that’s 

my story and I’m sticking to it), so that Master’s degree is really paying off. 

Mollie is still a diehard Seahawks fan, so as you can imagine, it has been an 

interesting year for her. She’s been called up to play on their defensive line. 

She can’t be any worse at stopping the run. 

If you’re hiring, sucks to be you, Mollie loves her job.
 
 
Remember,
"Tis the season to drink straight from the bottle."
 
Happy Holidays from the Coffeys!

You know your year isn’t complete without it, it’s the annual 

sarcastic Coffey Christmas Letter!

Mollie spent her year working on an artificial intelligence that would cause people’s heads to explode through Twitter and Instagram.  Her research included hours of reading reviews of middle school books. Our computers at home weren’t big enough, so she hijacked part of the mainframe at work.  Unfortunately for her, the library installed a new platform and software, and her AI hasn’t been seen since.  She was last seen in the dark typing away at her keyboard muttering, “Shall we play a game?”

 

Paul tired of trips to the hospital this year and decided to build a cyborg body to transfer his brain into.  He ordered various parts online, through obscure catalogs, and at least once through someone who really seemed to be three raccoons inside a trenchcoat.  The problem came when trying to assemble it all.  Some of the parts were imperial, some were metric, and no one could quite figure out what system the 13-sided bolts used.  Paul had hoped to get Iron Man’s input, but if you have seen Avengers Endgame, you know why he couldn’t. He was last overheard while looking at blueprints muttering, “We have the technology, we can rebuild him, stronger, faster…”

 

Hartley tired of the grocery business this year and left it behind. They spent most of the last half of the year training Jeremy to be a butler. Once that was successful, they decided to go back to school.  Frustrated with the stress and grind of adulting, they figured the best choice was to start all over, so they’re going back to The Evergreen State kindergarten.  Songs, two recesses, storytime…it’s kind of hard to argue the point, isn’t it? Plus, the school is in the middle of the woods, so hiding the bodies “things” will be easier. They were last heard muttering, “Fingerpainting then snacks, or snacks then fingerpainting?”

 

Jeremy focused on doing nothing this year, but unfortunately failed.  He inadvertently learned to cook. Undeterred, he redoubled his efforts and continued on his quest. He decided the best way to do nothing was to become a mountain (they just lie around all day), so he went out into the wilderness to learn to be even more huge.  However, when he realized that most mountains have snow on their tops, he quickly changed his mind.  He came back home to plan a new way to do nothing.  He was last heard muttering, “Palm trees…they’re big and don’t have snow…”

 

Happy Holidays, Y’all!

 

 

The Coffey family sarcastic Christmas letter is now the Coffey family multiple-choice Christmas quiz!

Greetings from [a. Spokane; b. Loserville; c. family rehab]. This year holds so many [a. interesting; b. painful; c. scarringly dysfunctional] memories. Everyone in our family is super [a. excited; b. depressed; c. inebriated] for the holidays. We hope you are too!

Paul is [a. having a great year; b. missing and presumed dead; c. Batman]. He is just as [a. witty; b. indecisive; c. on the FBI most wanted list] as ever. As he likes to say every year at this time: [a. “God Bless Us- Everyone!” b. “Being stupid is its own reward” c. “If you think some fat ass in a red suit is gonna get credit for all of my hard work, think again!!”]. He did wreck the car by hitting a [a.deer; b; grizzly bear; c. homeless carnival worker] on the highway home from work. He has had [a. two negative Covid tests; b. two negative pregnancy tests; c. it up to here with 2020].

Mollie is [a. finally a real librarian; b. finally being committed to a mental hospital c. testing the chemical boundaries of Ambien mixed with chardonnay].  She recently started [a. working from home; b. doing internet searches for clever ways to dispose of human remains; c. agreed to always stay at least 500 feet away from Chris Hemsworth]. She also created a [a. fun board game; b. an international incident; c. a half-murder hornet/half-Kraken hybrid monster].

Jeremy has [a. graduated college; b. been running a meth lab; c. perfected his burp rendition of “Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony”]. He [a. took a stand-up comedy class; b. charred several hundred acres and burned down twelve mobile homes; c. committed massive voter fraud in the election] this year. We are [a. awaiting his chance to use his Digital Media Production degree; b. selling him to the highest bidder; c. so done with him].

Hayley is [a. a real actual adult; b. a wiccan cult leader; c. frozen in time]. She still works at [a. Fred Meyer; b. NASA; c. Jeremy’s meth lab]. She recently had to [a. get her own health insurance; b. get a new parole officer; c. give up a promising career in murder for hire]. In the new year, she is hoping to [a. find a new job in the field of childcare; b. win a world record for subdermal piercings; c. award the Lombardi Trophy to the New York Jets].

2020 was truly [a. a challenge; b. a nightmare; c. You-Tube worthy] but in the end it should [a. work out for the best; b. blow up in our faces; c. lead to a lengthy prison sentence].

That’s all for this year! Be sure to [a. look us up if you’re in the neighborhood; b. smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em; c. drink your Ovaltine].

 

Merry Christmas to all!

The Coffey Family

2019

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, ‘cept the fellow penning this fine missive.  Welcome once more to the annual Coffey Family Christmas Letter!

Jeremy tired of life amongst the tiny, so he fled to Jotunhiem to live with the Frost Giants.  Not long after arriving, though, he remembered he hates the cold.  Deciding permanent chill and blue skin wasn’t for him, he left for Muspelhiem, to see how things were with Surtr and the Fire Giants.  But Jer isn’t fond of extreme heat, either.  So he just came home to wait for his final class to finish out his college degree.

To avoid the chaos her life had become, Mollie spent her time in search of The Land of Chrises.  To her delight, she actually found it.  Alas, though she wandered far and wide, there was nary a Hemsworth to be seen.  Nor an Evans, nor a Pratt, not even a Pine.  That would be sad enough, but she did find an Elliot and a Brown, and when she found a Christie at the beach she decided that was enough.  So she just came home to await the library move.

Paul found a time machine and decided to see what wonders the future held.  When he arrived, before he could see the robots or spaceships or other technological marvels he was rushed off for medical examination.  Apparently even in the far-flung future he’s a medical anomaly and they were hard-pressed to figure how he was still alive.  He figured if he was going to be poked and prodded in a hospital, he could do that back in his own time and have the benefit of visitors.  So he just came home to work his two jobs at Eastern.

Hayley journeyed to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, to meet so many of her favorite heroes (and, let’s be honest, villains).  Unfortunately, when she arrived large parts of the world were devastated and just about any person she wanted to find was either dead or off-world.  She did the math and then realized that it would still be several years until they all came back.  So she just came home in time for a ridiculously early shift cashiering at Fred Meyers.

Here’s wishing happiness (and a bit of laughter) to you and yours this holiday season and into the next year!

Mollie, Paul, Hayley, and Jeremy

2018

Hello and welcome to the annual Coffey Family Sarcastic Christmas letter!

Going youngest to oldest:

Jeremy continues studying film production at Spokane Falls Community College. He takes pride in being the second person in the extended family to reach 6’4” with no contact from the NBA, although Elliott and Gideon are close behind. He continues to follow a strict vegetarian diet in which he only eats animals made of meat. He has worked on splicing the DNA of a Senor Froggy’s burrito with a starfish to create a regenerating food source that answers to the name of Patrick.

Hayley, also known as Billy, found a wonderful job working with children at Fred Meyer’s Playland. She considers it as success to get to the end of a work day without telling a parent “sucks to be you”, and generously brings home tons of cute stories about the small children she works with, as well as their collection of viruses. She has ecstatically chosen her third wife already, which will come as a surprise to the first two whom she hasn’t already married yet. Or met.

Paul decided to give his heart a break by having problems with his kidney instead. The cancerous tumor was successfully removed, but his annoying habit of going to the emergency room still remains. For New Year’s Eve he plans to take Mollie to the Singing Towers of Darilluim, where one night equals 24 years, in hopes that he can make it one day without medical issues.

Mollie finally finished grad school this month but continues to have no idea what Fortnite is. For their 26^th anniversary, Mollie and Paul travelled to the exotic locale of Post Falls, Idaho, for a wonderful night. Mollie plans to spend the next year having hot flashes and obsessively checking the amount in her retirement account. She also hopes to shave her legs at least once in 2019 and be able to stay awake past 10:30 p.m. someday.

All in all, the entire family successfully avoided the need to twerk, dab, or Shiggy, although Flossing has happened, unfortunately. We hope the new year brings much laughter (that’s a given) and fun (ditto), and wish the same for all of you!

Love, The Coffeys 

P.S. To our shame, Jeremy has admitted to dabbing more than once this year.

2017

You waited all year for it, and here it is! The Coffey family semi-true Christmas letter!

What a spectacular year! It's hard to believe it was only last January when we founded that Burmese equestrian school for the disabled. Paul and Mollie celebrated their 25^th anniversary this year spending a weekend at the casino.  They won a whole $2.00, but blew it on cheeseburgers on the ride home.  25 years of sleeping with the same person -- wow! Probably better than spending a year sleeping with 25 different people. Probably.

Paul bypassed cardiac issues this year, so his kidneys decided to take him to the hospital with stones twice in one week.  Kidneys are terrible drivers, though.  After towing the car out of the emergency room, the hospital said it shouldn’t be too difficult to replace the wall. He unfortunately lost funding for his research project on determining the five best kinds of monkeys. In October, movie studios went into a bidding frenzy for the rights to his best-selling, coming-of-age/mystery/fantasy/thriller tome, “Meh.”

Jeremy turned down offers from several Ivy League schools (who needs homework?) to remain with his people, the Sasquatch, at SFCC.  He has made it his goal to eat all the food in the world, so we hope you enjoy a vegan diet (because let’s be serious here, you know the boy isn’t eating vegetables). He also hiked the entire length of the Pacific Crest Trail in his size 15 Birkenstocks while carrying three Haitian orphans on his back.

Speaking of homework, Mollie, Queen of Interlibrary Loans, has been drowning in it while working on her master’s degree.  It even has interfered with time spent at her dream job, bathing Chris Hemsworth and then putting feathers on him so that he can fly across the field at Seahawk home games. She still hasn’t had her identity stolen, but she tried to auction it off on eBay. A very nice gentleman from Nigeria contacted her and has started up a correspondence. He promises to totally change her financial profile.

Hayley started the year by designing an entire line of swimwear for cats. She then left school in June to go to the South Pole to protect penguins from were-polar bears.  She considers her mission a success because there are no longer any polar bears at the South Pole, were or otherwise. After that she moved home, where we haven’t had the heart to tell her polar bears only live at the North Pole.

Wishing you many joyful holiday spirits! Tis the season to stress out!