You know your year isn’t complete without it, it’s the annual
sarcastic Coffey Christmas Letter!
Mollie spent her year working on an artificial
intelligence that would cause people’s heads to explode through Twitter and
Instagram. Her research included hours
of reading reviews of middle school books. Our computers at home weren’t big
enough, so she hijacked part of the mainframe at work. Unfortunately for her, the library installed a
new platform and software, and her AI hasn’t been seen since. She was last seen in the dark typing away at
her keyboard muttering, “Shall we play a game?”
Paul tired of trips to the hospital this year and
decided to build a cyborg body to transfer his brain into. He ordered various parts online, through
obscure catalogs, and at least once through someone who really seemed to be three
raccoons inside a trenchcoat. The
problem came when trying to assemble it all.
Some of the parts were imperial, some were metric, and no one could
quite figure out what system the 13-sided bolts used. Paul had hoped to get Iron Man’s input, but
if you have seen Avengers Endgame, you know why he couldn’t. He was last overheard
while looking at blueprints muttering, “We have the technology, we can rebuild
him, stronger, faster…”
Hartley tired of the grocery business this year and
left it behind. They spent most of the last half of the year training Jeremy to
be a butler. Once that was successful, they decided to go back to school. Frustrated with the stress and grind of
adulting, they figured the best choice was to start all over, so they’re going
back to The Evergreen State kindergarten.
Songs, two recesses, storytime…it’s kind of hard to argue the point,
isn’t it? Plus, the school is in the middle of the woods, so hiding the bodies
“things” will be easier. They were last heard muttering, “Fingerpainting then
snacks, or snacks then fingerpainting?”
Jeremy focused on doing nothing this year, but
unfortunately failed. He inadvertently learned
to cook. Undeterred, he redoubled his efforts and continued on his quest. He
decided the best way to do nothing was to become a mountain (they just lie
around all day), so he went out into the wilderness to learn to be even more huge. However, when he realized that most mountains
have snow on their tops, he quickly changed his mind. He came back home to plan a new way to do
nothing. He was last heard muttering,
“Palm trees…they’re big and don’t have snow…”
Happy Holidays, Y’all!
