Hello and welcome to the annual Coffey Family Sarcastic
Christmas letter!
Going youngest to oldest:
Jeremy continues studying film production at Spokane
Falls Community College. He takes pride in being the second person in the
extended family to reach 6’4” with no contact from the NBA, although Elliott
and Gideon are close behind. He continues to follow a strict vegetarian diet in
which he only eats animals made of meat. He has worked on splicing the DNA of a
Senor Froggy’s burrito with a starfish to create a regenerating food source
that answers to the name of Patrick.
Hayley, also known as Billy, found a wonderful job
working with children at Fred Meyer’s Playland. She considers it as success to
get to the end of a work day without telling a parent “sucks to be you”, and
generously brings home tons of cute stories about the small children she works
with, as well as their collection of viruses. She has ecstatically chosen her
third wife already, which will come as a surprise to the first two whom she
hasn’t already married yet. Or met.
Paul decided to give his heart a break by having problems
with his kidney instead. The cancerous tumor was successfully removed, but his
annoying habit of going to the emergency room still remains. For New Year’s Eve
he plans to take Mollie to the Singing Towers of Darilluim, where one night
equals 24 years, in hopes that he can make it one day without medical issues.
Mollie finally finished grad school this month but
continues to have no idea what Fortnite is. For their 26th
anniversary, Mollie and Paul travelled to the exotic locale of Post Falls,
Idaho, for a wonderful night. Mollie plans to spend the next year having hot
flashes and obsessively checking the amount in her retirement account. She also
hopes to shave her legs at least once in 2019 and be able to stay awake past
10:30 p.m. someday.
All in all, the entire family successfully avoided the
need to twerk, dab, or Shiggy, although Flossing has happened, unfortunately. We
hope the new year brings much laughter (that’s a given) and fun (ditto), and
wish the same for all of you!
Love, The Coffeys
P.S. To our shame, Jeremy has admitted to dabbing more
than once this year.
