Hello! And welcome to another fabulous sarcasm-laced Coffey Christmas Letter! Just in time for the most stressful time of year!
Let’s start off the festivities with updates on Paul. Aside from another cardiac incident (he really needs to stop having those), Paul invented a time machine to go back and save the election, only to be found amid the burning wreckage of said time machine, rocking back and forth and muttering repeatedly “no matter what I do, one of them wins”. Paul is planning on procrastinating New Year’s Eve and will celebrate it sometime in June.
Mollie won the Miss Venezuela pageant and is using her title and powers for good – by banning group projects in graduate school. She continues to work undercover at the library but is not-so-secretly a covert agent for Google. Librarians can find out anything, Google must learn their secrets! Mollie will be spending New Year’s Eve on a beach in the Caymans being fed tacos and mai tais by Antonio the sexy cabana boy whose only English consists of “another drink, my princess?”
Hayley continues to mold and warp little minds as a 1st grade teacher’s aide in Olympia while enduring her fourth year as a student at Evergreen State College. She is the owner of a successful startup that is developing a new breed of domesticated penguin that can survive in a small apartment in Olympia. Hayley’s plans for New Year’s Eve include filling out applications to Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters and drinking peppermint schnapps.
Jeremy, or as he likes to be called, Jeremy, finished his first quarter of college and celebrated by adopting 148 homeless kittens. Of course, due to his allergies he can’t actually see the kittens, as his eyes are swollen shut. This year Jeremy opened a restaurant that serves nothing but mom’s spaghetti and toy food. It is debatable which is more edible. Jeremy’s New Year’s Eve will be spent making a #1 super-villain team for a crime-ridden 2017 and writing erotic fan fiction about MST3K characters.
We hope you all have a great Christmas and interesting new year! Our advice for the coming year: invest heavily in Valium, Ambien, and Total Wines.
