Could it be? Is it really? Yes, it’s the Coffey Family Christmas Letter! The waiting is finally over!
Hayley
is 15 now, and is frighteningly good at being both a high school
student (at Lewis & Clark) and a Goth. We actually saw her most
nights from August through December (those of you who have been reading
this letter for the last several years know what an epic event that is)
as she watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. As Hayley is now
wanted by authorities for stalking flippy-haired celebrities, she now
goes by the aliases Lock, Lucifer, and Dr Stevie. She shares her
fabulous (but non-sparkly) vampire minions Rodger and Fredrick with BFF
Kara.
Jeremy has become known around the house as Bigfoot,
since he now wears bigger shoes than Paul. Jeremy is 11 now, and in an
effort to be more like Jake on “Two and a Half Men” is actually doing
LESS homework in 6th grade than he did in 5th (no, we didn’t believe it
was possible either). He claims that it frees up the time that he needs
to train his zombie minions. His teachers at All Saints School have to
keep reminding him that turning his classmates undead will result in a
trip to the principal’s office.
Mollie is still working at the
public library. This year she received her 20-year pin (although
technically she’s been there 23 years). At this time, there is no known
cure for library addiction. After last year’s slew of injuries Mollie
decided to make herself a smaller target for bad luck. She has lost as
much weight as a medium-sized child. Unfortunately for her, neither of
her kids is medium-sized, so they’re still around to drive her to drink.
On the bright side, the alcohol does wonders at fueling her pink
elephant minions!
Judging from people’s reactions, the biggest
story about Paul is that he actually grew back his hair. It may be more
silver than brown, but it’s there. He’s like a human chia pet. He
has alternated his free time between practicing his “touch my daughter
and you die” speech, and perfecting his theory of teleportation, which
would have come in handier last year, when he was still working three
jobs at the school. Despite no longer doing hot lunch or being a
teacher’s aide, Paul still interacts with the students as the school
librarian, and believes his student minions are developing nicely.
Have a wonderful holiday season!
The Coffeys
