Dear Y’all –
It’s not quite Christmas, so it must be time for the insanity called the Coffey Christmas Letter!
When
Paul’s plan to build a clone army from spare parts purchased on the
black market went awry, he retreated once again to the kids’ school.
First & second graders weren’t quite malleable enough, so he’s an
aide in Kindergarten this year. The downside to children that small as
minions is that they can’t do much. So Paul took over the hot lunch
program at the middle school and is using the food to mind control the
students. He hopes to have his legions trained by the Presidential
Election.
Jeremy has turned to the Dark Side and become a Sith
Lord. Darth Wedgie (his Sith name) felt that mayhem and destruction
fueled by anger was right up his alley. His fourth grade classmates are
considering whether or not to incur his wrath by joining up with the
Rebellion. Jeremy hopes to have his full Sith powers in time to
influence the Presidential Election.
Mollie is working on a time
machine, so that she can go back in time and talk to herself. For
example, she would like to go back to the time she said, “I’d like to be
a supervisor,” and punch herself in the face. Of course, the fact that
the remote control for the TV, the cable box and the VCR are all beyond
Mollie’s meager technical skills, coupled with her near-complete
ignorance of scientific theory, doesn’t bode well for her chances of
success. She claims that it will work by the Presidential Election.
Hayley
seems to have perfected a teleportation device that she keeps in her
room. She uses it to visit North Carolina and her new husband, the
professional wrestler Jeff Hardy. At least that’s our assumption.
Since Hayley became a teenager this year (in fact rather than just in
action & attitude) we’re lucky to see her out of her room even to
eat. Or to watch wrestling on TV. Perhaps she’ll be down in time for
the Presidential Election.
Hope you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
