2018

Hello and welcome to the annual Coffey Family Sarcastic Christmas letter!

Going youngest to oldest:

Jeremy continues studying film production at Spokane Falls Community College. He takes pride in being the second person in the extended family to reach 6’4” with no contact from the NBA, although Elliott and Gideon are close behind. He continues to follow a strict vegetarian diet in which he only eats animals made of meat. He has worked on splicing the DNA of a Senor Froggy’s burrito with a starfish to create a regenerating food source that answers to the name of Patrick.

Hayley, also known as Billy, found a wonderful job working with children at Fred Meyer’s Playland. She considers it as success to get to the end of a work day without telling a parent “sucks to be you”, and generously brings home tons of cute stories about the small children she works with, as well as their collection of viruses. She has ecstatically chosen her third wife already, which will come as a surprise to the first two whom she hasn’t already married yet. Or met.

Paul decided to give his heart a break by having problems with his kidney instead. The cancerous tumor was successfully removed, but his annoying habit of going to the emergency room still remains. For New Year’s Eve he plans to take Mollie to the Singing Towers of Darilluim, where one night equals 24 years, in hopes that he can make it one day without medical issues.

Mollie finally finished grad school this month but continues to have no idea what Fortnite is. For their 26^th anniversary, Mollie and Paul travelled to the exotic locale of Post Falls, Idaho, for a wonderful night. Mollie plans to spend the next year having hot flashes and obsessively checking the amount in her retirement account. She also hopes to shave her legs at least once in 2019 and be able to stay awake past 10:30 p.m. someday.

All in all, the entire family successfully avoided the need to twerk, dab, or Shiggy, although Flossing has happened, unfortunately. We hope the new year brings much laughter (that’s a given) and fun (ditto), and wish the same for all of you!

Love, The Coffeys 

P.S. To our shame, Jeremy has admitted to dabbing more than once this year.

2017

You waited all year for it, and here it is! The Coffey family semi-true Christmas letter!

What a spectacular year! It's hard to believe it was only last January when we founded that Burmese equestrian school for the disabled. Paul and Mollie celebrated their 25^th anniversary this year spending a weekend at the casino.  They won a whole $2.00, but blew it on cheeseburgers on the ride home.  25 years of sleeping with the same person -- wow! Probably better than spending a year sleeping with 25 different people. Probably.

Paul bypassed cardiac issues this year, so his kidneys decided to take him to the hospital with stones twice in one week.  Kidneys are terrible drivers, though.  After towing the car out of the emergency room, the hospital said it shouldn’t be too difficult to replace the wall. He unfortunately lost funding for his research project on determining the five best kinds of monkeys. In October, movie studios went into a bidding frenzy for the rights to his best-selling, coming-of-age/mystery/fantasy/thriller tome, “Meh.”

Jeremy turned down offers from several Ivy League schools (who needs homework?) to remain with his people, the Sasquatch, at SFCC.  He has made it his goal to eat all the food in the world, so we hope you enjoy a vegan diet (because let’s be serious here, you know the boy isn’t eating vegetables). He also hiked the entire length of the Pacific Crest Trail in his size 15 Birkenstocks while carrying three Haitian orphans on his back.

Speaking of homework, Mollie, Queen of Interlibrary Loans, has been drowning in it while working on her master’s degree.  It even has interfered with time spent at her dream job, bathing Chris Hemsworth and then putting feathers on him so that he can fly across the field at Seahawk home games. She still hasn’t had her identity stolen, but she tried to auction it off on eBay. A very nice gentleman from Nigeria contacted her and has started up a correspondence. He promises to totally change her financial profile.

Hayley started the year by designing an entire line of swimwear for cats. She then left school in June to go to the South Pole to protect penguins from were-polar bears.  She considers her mission a success because there are no longer any polar bears at the South Pole, were or otherwise. After that she moved home, where we haven’t had the heart to tell her polar bears only live at the North Pole.

Wishing you many joyful holiday spirits! Tis the season to stress out!

2016

Merry Christmas!

Hello! And welcome to another fabulous sarcasm-laced Coffey Christmas Letter! Just in time for the most stressful time of year!

Let’s start off the festivities with updates on Paul. Aside from another cardiac incident (he really needs to stop having those), Paul invented a time machine to go back and save the election, only to be found amid the burning wreckage of said time machine, rocking back and forth and muttering repeatedly “no matter what I do, one of them wins”. Paul is planning on procrastinating New Year’s Eve and will celebrate it sometime in June.

Mollie won the Miss Venezuela pageant and is using her title and powers for good – by banning group projects in graduate school. She continues to work undercover at the library but is not-so-secretly a covert agent for Google. Librarians can find out anything, Google must learn their secrets! Mollie will be spending New Year’s Eve on a beach in the Caymans being fed tacos and mai tais by Antonio the sexy cabana boy whose only English consists of “another drink, my princess?”

Hayley continues to mold and warp little minds as a 1^st grade teacher’s aide in Olympia while enduring her fourth year as a student at Evergreen State College. She is the owner of a successful startup that is developing a new breed of domesticated penguin that can survive in a small apartment in Olympia. Hayley’s plans for New Year’s Eve include filling out applications to Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters and drinking peppermint schnapps.

Jeremy, or as he likes to be called, Jeremy, finished his first quarter of college and celebrated by adopting 148 homeless kittens. Of course, due to his allergies he can’t actually see the kittens, as his eyes are swollen shut. This year Jeremy opened a restaurant that serves nothing but mom’s spaghetti and toy food. It is debatable which is more edible. Jeremy’s New Year’s Eve will be spent making a #1 super-villain team for a crime-ridden 2017 and writing erotic fan fiction about MST3K characters.

We hope you all have a great Christmas and interesting new year! Our advice for the coming year: invest heavily in Valium, Ambien, and Total Wines.

2015

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and anyone who doesn't fall into any of those categories but can still read English...It's true, it's here, it's what you've been waiting for all year – 
The Coffey Christmas Letter!

Since it's only Christmas Eve for another hour or two, let's get our notes together and get this thing written for you!

So, first on here is Jeremy. It says here that he's 6' 4” with giant feet, a senior at Lewis & Clark High School working on films and a fan of the Seahawks. No, that can't be right. It must be that he's been watching films of Bigfoot with senior citizens after turning down a position with the Seahawks since he's “not a people person.” Yeah, that sounds more like it.

Next is Hayley. Says she turned 21, got a job as a teaching assistant working with kids, is a junior at Evergreen State College and went to a live Seahawks game and yelled like a maniac with the 12s. Got a job? That's definitely wrong. I bet it's that she applied for her 21^st job, lost out to a kid named Junior so she went drinking Everclear. And I think the yelling means her 22^nd job application is as a professional banshee. Yeah, that sounds more like it.

Okay, on to Paul. Notes say he got an evening job at the college library out at Eastern Washington University. No, I'm not buying that either. I think he's working late nights on a collage of the story of Job in his room at the Eastern State Mental Hospital. Yeah, that sounds more like it.

Finally we have Mollie. Had her 50^th birthday party and started grad school. Seriously, who wrote these notes? Do they have any clue what happened this year? That has to be, “Mollie drank 50 beers at her birthday party and was a glad fool.” Yeah, that sounds more like it.

The heck with this – no notes next year. It's quite obvious that whomever was taking them didn't pay any attention to what we did this year, or even who we are. Next year no notes – we'll just rely upon Paul's incredibly detailed memory. He never forgets anything. Yeah, that sounds more like it.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and a Pleasant
 Whatever-other-holidays-you-celebrate-this-Yuletide-season!

2014

Sliding in just before the holiday itself, it’s time once again for the annual Coffey Christmas Letter!

This summer 6’ 3” Jeremy took his size 14 feet and became the leader of a tribe of giants.  They didn’t have a problem bowing down to him.  However, they vanished in the night after Jeremy threw one too many tantrums about their bad wi-fi and his streaming videos having trouble loading.  He made it home just in time to start his junior year at LC.

Mollie has been busy with her hectic schedule commuting from Spokane to film Marvel’s The Avengers: Age of Ultron.  She has to be on location regularly for her job as Scarlett Johansen’s body double.  Filming has been going slowly, as her contract requires Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth to be shirtless in every scene they have together.  It’s a coincidence that each scene must be shot over and over.

Upon her return to Evergreen for her sophomore year, Hayley began communing with a large white squirrel.  The squirrel insists that there is a serial killer squirrel on campus decimating the squirrel population and that Hayley is the only human that can save them.  She says her forensic science class is coming in handy.   She also insists the reason no one else has seen the white squirrel is because it’s the ghost of one of the killer’s victims.

Paul discovered a pattern in his various and sundry scars and accidentally opened a rift in time and space.  He disappeared for a few minutes, but insists he was gone for over a year.  He had green hair, a red nose and was covered in white greasepaint when he was found.  He won’t speak of what happened while he was gone, but can on occasion be heard muttering, “Can’t sleep, clowns will eat me.”

On a serious note (which you can certainly skip if you’re just here for the humor) – we almost didn’t do the letter this year.  Looking back over the year, there were plenty of bad things (Mollie’s mother passing away shortly before Thanksgiving, Paul’s heart attack to name a couple).  But there are people who look forward to this every year.  And more importantly, it’s pretty much the hallmark of our family to deal with sadness by using humor.  So have a laugh and give your loved ones a hug.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays or whatever Yuletide greeting you prefer, with love from The Coffeys!

2013

What’s that?  You thought you’d make it out of the holiday season with out the annual Coffey Family Christmas Letter (now with at least 200% of the US RDA of sarcasm!)?  You should have known better!

Mollie got a promotion at the library.  She told us that Jaci retired, but we haven’t seen her since, and there are those mysterious red stains on the shovel in the garage.  Of course, those could just be stains left by her new art project – wall-sized paintings in blood.  She draws inspiration from Jackson Pollock, Dexter and the voices in her head.  According to Mollie, listening to voices in your head is fun and safe!

Paul decided to see what it was like NOT going to the hospital this year.  “Strangely unsettling,” was his opinion.  Or was that his take on the uprising among his undead minions?  Students may have been a little more difficult to train, but they were certainly better behaved and more intelligent than zombies and skeletons.  Perhaps next year will be more favorable for conquering the world.

Hayley graduated high school this spring and went off to Evergreen State College this fall.  She decided that speaking was over-rated and has decided to communicate using only facial tics and interpretive dance.  She either met an alien from another dimension who taught her galactic enlightenment, or she had a heart-wrenching break-up with a moose who was an incredible kisser.  I can’t remember what that particular set of arm-waves and pirouettes meant.

Jeremy decided to celebrate his first year alone in high school by revealing his secret Bigfoot heritage.  He towers over all, even when slouching, although he hasn’t quite embraced the full shagginess of the Sasquatch.  He started a support group for supposedly mythological and legendary creatures.  We don’t know who has shown up, because we aren’t allowed in since we’re real.

May all our friends, family, acquaintances and others compelled to read this missive have an enjoyable holiday season and a happy new year. 

2012

Well, the world didn’t end on the 21^st as promised, so I guess it’s time to present the annual, totally non-sarcastic, Coffey family Christmas letter.

This year, Paul traveled to North Korea to be the body-double of Kim Jong-Un.  However, he mistakenly ended up in South Korea.  A rabid wombat climbed up his pant leg, and while trying to dislodge it, Paul inadvertently created Gangnam Style.  Luckily, his cardiologist has given him rave reviews on his heart functioning, so he is able to Gangnam style with gusto!

As for Mollie, well, another year gone, and a new set of ailments to add to the list of “things that go downhill after you hit 40+”.  As if previous years of shingles and skin cancer weren’t enough, now we can add psoriasis to the menu.  Next year we are expecting a good case of leprosy to round things out.  Mollie also won a Pulitzer for last year’s Christmas letter, and is in the process of turning it into a screenplay.  Expect to hear something next year about winning an Oscar!

Hayley is a senior in high school, and she turned 18 just in time to vote in this year’s big election.  She has also decided to be British.  While practicing her accent, a madman in a blue box appeared out of nowhere and whisked her away for a wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey adventure.  We don’t know when she is, but The Doctor has promised to bring her back to 2012 in time for Christmas!

Jeremy is now 14 and started his freshman year of high school this September.  So far, so good.  His size 13 feet are ideal for navigating the hallowed halls of Lewis and Clark High School.  In an incredible scientific breakthrough, Jeremy successfully combining pig DNA with finely aged cheddar, creating the world’s first living bacon cheeseball.  Bring on the crackers!  And not those saltines, either, this calls for a Ritz!

Now that I’ve dazzled you with this year’s highlights, I want to wish all of you a happy, happy ____________________ (insert your holiday here).  And a very wonderful new year, since it seems we are getting one after all.

The Coffeys

Paul, Mollie, Hayley and Jeremy